The life I plan to lead

I like kids.  I would like to have kids someday.  but I’m beginning to think that if my other plans come to pass the lifstyle I will be leading will not be conducive to rearing children or to have successful romantic relationships.

Maybe I’m just being whiny because I think my boyfriend is going to dump me.   But we’ll see.

But what brings it up right now most I think is that I just watched Milk a couple days ago.  He achieved so much, and did such great things for the world.  But (at least in the dramatized movie version of his life) his political activism got in the way of romantic relationships.   There is so much I want to accomplish.  So much I want to be a part of changing.  In terms of mathematics education, civil rights issues and general deconstruction of the patriarchal structure.  Is there time to raise kids if I do that?  Is it selfish to want something that will be such a drain on my time and resources when there are so many who are currently alive who need assistance and resources.  So many causes that need help.

I know most people think it’s ok, it’s not selfish, it’s human nature, or it’s biology.  But Most people don’t acknowledge that women are oppressed, or that gay people deserve equal rights.  So it’s not about what most people think, it’s about how I hope to find peace with my decisions.  And understanding what impact decisions in part of my life have on the other parts.

If I’m PhDing it up and trying to participate in activism at the same time I will have very little time for anything.

I guess I’m already not selfish.  I’ve practically given up my beach for things that are “important.”

but there is always more to do.

They are only after one thing!

So I was listening to Stroke9’s “Latest disaster”  The chorus is the supposed song that some girl wrote about him.  (I think he thought of the chorus and was all like, “oh snap, this would work better in this gendered society of a girl sang it, I’ll write a song about a girl writing such a song and I can still use it!” (yes I am feeling a bit silly)).

 Anyway the chorus goes thusly:

Get out, get dressed,

you’re just like the rest,

there’s only one thing you’re after.

You’re still the same self-centered bastard.

You stay out all night with your shady friends

just getting plastered.

This relationship’s just my latest disaster.

So of course I try to relate. “oh yeah, guys are only after one thing,” I think to myself. and when I think back on my relationships, it is mostly true. not 100% but a fair many guys I’ve known in college and recently are after only one thing: Marraige and stability. ok that’s two things, but they are related.

There was Tim who wanted to find a wife before graduating from college because, “where else will I meet some one.” David had a similar view if I recall.

Then of the ones I dated. Terence wanted to marry me, kind of. He was odd. Then there was Steve Who didn’t date me because, “I like you too much and you’re leaving” (in 7 months… ) Apparently the heartbreak would be too much. or Alex Who I thought I was having a fling with. When I got stressed I broke up with him. It was right before my semester abroad. his response, “but I’m ok with you having no time for me, I’m ok with you going away for a while” EEEK! run… I thought it was clear when I left we’d break up. Well I’ll have to be more clear next time. Dougie wanted to follw me to the ends of the earth. I had to break up with him, or I would never escape. He was so sweet otherwise though.

I’m being a bit sarcastic. Very few people are only always after ONE thing. I’m sure lots of these guys had flings as well as relationships. I’ve done both. Oh.. wait a minute.. it’s like, PEOPLE want different things at different times of their life and it isn’t necesarily related to their gender. What? My goodness that’s like gender deconstruction.

I’m done being sarcastic and snarky… no really.