I was too quiet

Yesterday I had a bit of an icky experience.  I went to the beach, as I am want to do.   I had a great talk with my new fellow vegan feminist nudist person.  that was all good.  but I started mentioning March Forth on March 4th. (which if you are in San Diego You should go to! Please click the link for more information on marriage equality and the upcoming supreme court case.)

This is what got me into trouble. I mentioned it to one guy who had been fairly friendly in a not creepy way and I he “didn’t believe in it” and had a “different opinion” Now to me an opinion is whether you prefer blue or gold or something like that, not if you think you should take 1,138 rights away from people who love each other. I mentioned how people can’t even visit loved ones in the hospital he deflected. I almost decided to get up and punch him but thought that it wouldn’t go over well with the rest of the beach.

I stood up for equality but was just angry. Which is understandable. my being too quiet happened later.

When everyone was dressed and getting ready to tramp up the hill I was saying my good byes and waiting for people to finish packing and this guy comes up and hugs me. I try to move a bit out of the way but don’t completely disengage. I was just so shocked he would come up to me and so shocked he would impose. So I just let him violate my space.  What makes him think he has the RIGHT to do that?

I feel I should have said no and should have screamed it! should have said “I don’t want you in my personal space” or “you have not been invited to have physical contact with me, do not touch me.” You know SOMETHING. I understand the need to be polite but that is very VERY different than being friendly. I don’t want to talk to people who think a group of people are second class citizens just because they don’t fit into the heteronormative bullcrap paradigm. Ok.. I do want to talk to them, when I’m out doing marriage equality work, but not when I want to relax. not when I’m in a place where I want to feel safe being myself.

And I sure as hell don’t want them to touch me.  Especially in such a friendly way as a hug.

I don’t want eher to be a jessica stein type experiment

I love a woman.  I have for quite a while.  And she just broke up with her S.O. 

I’m pretty sure she loves me too. 

 But I think I’m really heterosexual.  I really like PIV and well, cocks in general.  I really don’t know if I could do without them at all. 

So what do I do?  She’s two oceans away, but that could change soon.   I don’t want to fuck up one of the most amazing friendships I have, but I don’t want to pass this by either. 

 sooner or later I’ll crave PIV.  I  can feel it.  I don’t want to do that too her. 

 It may all be moot.  She may not want to risk our friendship either.

 I feel like I’m in highschool.  Shouldn’t I have figured out my sexuality by now? and the kicker is if I could completely surrender to gender deconstruction, would it matter if she had a cock or not? 

Published in: on March 11, 2008 at 5:03 pm  Comments (2)  
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