this is a fraction of what depression looks like

So I’ve been visualizing cutting myself today.

I hear that visualizing an activity activates the same part of the brain as actually doing the thing itself. if I can feel it without scars that is a good thing.

I’m not even sure I have the guts to cut myself. The logistics of the visualization are almost comical. the sharpest “knife” I have is on my mandolin veggie slicer. the others are dull and would tear the skin. it would hurt a lot more. And I don’t have any razor blades.

But the image of tryng to slice part of my upper arm or thigh with something like this:

well I wouldn’t want to cut straight down and slice of a layer of skin. I just want a line cut into me. so it would be pretty tricky anyway.

3 days ago I was manic. The world was perfect. the sky was perfect. my life was getting better, and anything was possible. It’s like being high for days at a time. but you only notice it when you are coming down. then you see how far you are going fall. It’s always worse after mania.

I keep trying to visualize and activate those brain cells. but I’ve never cut myself before. Maybe my brain doesn’t know how to activate them.

I keep thinking about getting out of this chair and just doing it. maybe it would help. I certainly couldn’t feel much worse.

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Published in: on October 17, 2010 at 8:45 pm  Leave a Comment  
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