I can only hit my head against a wall so many times before I get a concussion

I was in the kitchen at the hostel and Phil comes in.  Yes that’s his real name because assholes don’t need their names protected.  Anyway, he has to dress up for work.  in a theme.  He was rightfully bemoaning this and then said, “well at least hte theme has been picked out, it’s “saved by the bell”  and since most people don’t know about it it’s really just a generic “school” thing”.  (ok I’m paraphrasing, it was a couple days ago I can’t remember the entire conversation….)

He continues, “so I’ve got a cheap white shirt and I’ll just right something studenty on it like ‘so and so’s so gay.”

I for once don’t bite my tongue (yay me), “but something that is less of a homophobic slur, right?”

“well I wasn’t really going ot right that, and i mean it ironically”

I keep trying to explain that it is still hurtful, and inappropriate language since it’s origins are what a group of people self identify as, and it is being used to say that things like that group of people are wrong.  and even if it is a joke it perpetuates an acceptance of that language.

He became defensive because asking him to not use homophobic language was stifling his white male middle-class heterosexual life.  He see’s himself as a "nice guy" so he wouldn’t admit that he was in the wrong, because then he’s have to change to still be a “nice guy”.

I’m. just. so. angry.  This is someone who thinks they are modern and forward thinking and nice.  I just don’t know what to do.  it’s so depressing.

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The Buddha says, “we are the result of all that we have thought”

Well, oops.

I’ve been angry recently. I think it is because I am stressed out. I’m leaving the country in a little more than a week. I’ve still got a bunch of loose ends to tie up. gah.

It’s difficult to call yourself a pacifist when you feel like punching everything. I don’t punch things, so that’s a step in the right direction. but really, thoughts are important. I will say that over the last 2 years a greater percentage of my thoughts have been positive and “Buddha-like.” I’m working on it. And that’s what we do for lifetimes until we are free from this cycle of life and death.

I think I’ve gotten a lot closer than where I was when I was born. But man, I’m angry right now. Not even at anything specific. just anger. I had my music blasting in my car as I drove and just started SCREAMING tonight. I’m so afraid one day I’ll find that Everclear song really describes me, “I am a loser geek, crazy with an evil streak, yes I do believe there is a violent thing inside of me”

I hope not.

Published in: on December 27, 2007 at 11:43 pm  Leave a Comment  
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