still not better

Depression is a funny thing. I’m going to leave that line because I just realized how ridiculous it is given the previous post.

In truth I mean it is a strange thing. When you are dealing with it, it is always there. I have good days. I feel almost better. I tell myself I’m just a little off. But it snaps back in a moment.

I was driving home listening to lady gaga on the radio and wiggling my shoulders in accordance with the command “just dance”. This is rare for me since usually I wiggle my shoulders to something like rage against the machine on the other radio station. But I was singing and moving and then as I pulled away from the stop light I had an urge to swerve into the car next to me. That I could hurt myself and escape.

But it is more twisted than that. My first thought was “geeze, if you’re going to have suicidal thoughts, at least think of ways that don’t hurt other people, depression is so rude.”

Does this happen so often now that I dismiss it? That I can make a bit of a crack about it? I keep thinking I’m getting better. But the apathy is there. The avoidance of life is there. The wanting to make myself throw up so I can get whatever bile that is in me out, is still there.

Goddammit. I lost my last job because of this. I couldn’t perform my duties in the time required. If this keeps up I may get kicked out of school, because I can’t get the grades I need.

I feel fine for the most part, but then something like that happens. Just to let me know I could snap at any minute.

Published in: on June 15, 2010 at 12:52 am  Leave a Comment  
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