this is a fraction of what depression looks like

So I’ve been visualizing cutting myself today.

I hear that visualizing an activity activates the same part of the brain as actually doing the thing itself. if I can feel it without scars that is a good thing.

I’m not even sure I have the guts to cut myself. The logistics of the visualization are almost comical. the sharpest “knife” I have is on my mandolin veggie slicer. the others are dull and would tear the skin. it would hurt a lot more. And I don’t have any razor blades.

But the image of tryng to slice part of my upper arm or thigh with something like this:

well I wouldn’t want to cut straight down and slice of a layer of skin. I just want a line cut into me. so it would be pretty tricky anyway.

3 days ago I was manic. The world was perfect. the sky was perfect. my life was getting better, and anything was possible. It’s like being high for days at a time. but you only notice it when you are coming down. then you see how far you are going fall. It’s always worse after mania.

I keep trying to visualize and activate those brain cells. but I’ve never cut myself before. Maybe my brain doesn’t know how to activate them.

I keep thinking about getting out of this chair and just doing it. maybe it would help. I certainly couldn’t feel much worse.

Published in: on October 17, 2010 at 8:45 pm  Leave a Comment  
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pre existing conditions

I can’t afford to get help for bi-polar disorder.  My parents paid out of pocket for doctors for it so it would never show up.  so I wouldn’t be discriminated against because of it.

I’ve been off pills for about 3 or 4 years now.  but I’m depressed at the moment and it sucks.  I have insurance, but I can’t go on the record.  its a pre-existing condition.  I’ve heard to many stories recently.  I’m not going on the record for something I’ve handled for the past 4 years.

Maybe I’m paranoid.  maybe there is good reason.  If I can just get by until I get manic again or I stabalise a little.  I’m just so apathetic, and bursting into tears, and I can’t focus.  I’m afraid I will fail out of grad school as I’m starting.

but I’m so afraid of going on the record as crazy.  fuck.

Published in: on October 28, 2009 at 7:52 pm  Comments (3)  
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It’s easier to be open about one’s sex life when it’s fairly boring

and yet still awkward.

I was at free concert at a university yesterday. The national health group was passing out free condoms, of which you can never have to many. So I grabbed a bunch. Then the lady asked me, “would you like a free chlamydia screening? It is anonymous and discreet.” I was sitting with two people I had only just met earlier that day. it took all my nerve to say, “sure.”

I haven’t had any vaginal “issues” for a while. The most recent was the damn yeast infections from taking antibiotics when I had an ear infection. Damn non alkalizing environment… But it’s good to know. it’s good to be sure. And since my last routine pap-smear/std check-up (which was all clear…) I have had (protected) PIV with two men and sexual contact (non PIV) with another.

I also Fundementally think other people should be checked regularly. I never think about myself in those terms.. but I want to know that if I sleep with someone they have fairly reliable info that they are free and clear. So really I should do the same for them.

But damn it feels weird. Almost as if checking to see if something is wrong will suddenly cause something to show up on the test. Murphey’s law of STD’s or something. And it was very unconventional for an STD test. but hey it’s free right? I’m supposed to be bumming around this country, where will I get turning down free things?

Anyway, I get given a tube with a swab connected to the top after I fill out the paper work. I then take it in a plain paper bag to a port-a-potty. I try not to touch the interior of the blue smell box while I pull down my shorts and panties. My legs are spread enough so that my clothing doesn’t touch the floor. I look into the paper bag; inside it is plastic bag. It says “biological samples” I’ve got my pants around my shins a paper bag under my arm and I’m opening the ziptop bag take out the swab from the tub and try to get a proper swab of my cervix.

I felt like a moment in a sitcom when the character has to carry one more item and then tries to open the door or something, but the amount of stuff their carrying makes the task hillariously diffficult. I swab as best as I can , secure the swab in the tube, then put it back in the plastic bag, then back in the paper bag. Only then do I pull my pants up. I step out of the port-a-pottie and try to nonchalantly walk back to the health stall and give them my sample. They will email or text my results to me within 10 days. For my trouble I get a box of twelve more condoms in addition to the five or six I grabbed earlier.

I can only hope I get as lucky as the new pile of condoms in my backpack implies.

the party has arrived

There are a few reasons I decided I needed a new blog.  The big ones are:

 1. distance myself from whining about my personal life and start a discussion (read monologue with myself) about how I feel about issues that are important to me.

I want to do some introspection.  I’m not sure where I sit on a lot of spectrums, even when it is an important issue for me.  I want to question my beliefs and poke at them to see where they fail, and where I don’t care that they fail.

2. Annonymity.  I’m female and a nudist.  I don’t want to advertise that too much when people know what I look like or can find other information about me.  I want a public place to discuss issues surrounding nudism.  I’m sick of making every post “friends only”.  I want to read comments from people that are new and can help me find understanding in life in general. 

 So here I am. 

Published in: on August 20, 2007 at 9:23 am  Comments (2)  
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