I must not let my MOTHER be right….that’s just frustrating.

If I am honest with myself , the most difficult thing about admitting I have a crush on a woman is that people expect it.  So much for being independently me no matter what anyone thinks. 

Seriously though, Many people when they first meet me think I’m gay.  In general I’ not.  I compulsively look at boy bums, and I obsess about beards and “masculine” noses. (yes that last one is kind of weird but everyone has something they look for physically in people.)  And that’s part of it.  This woman is really special.  It’s not like I’ve liked lots of women and repressed it. (they don’t even have beards for the most part)

only a couple.  and I didn’t repress it.  the other one was more of a hero worship thing.  I kept it to myself because my new BFF at the time (who ended up being a bitch) dated her.  and then It went away.  it was an attraction to what I wanted to be.  Once she was off the pedistal it was no issue.  Also I met a guy who I liked more.  (and by liked, I mean obsessed about and planned future children with until I finally had the guts to get him to reject me because I knew it wouldn’t work……………..and yes he had a magnificent beard.  (and a wonderful set of ethics, sense of humour and respect for me) but I digress.)

 And now this woman, who I’m not naming because this is supposed to be an anonymous blog except for a few people who know me. 

 But I’m constantly saying, “actually I’m straight.”  These days I’ve amended that to “mostly straight” and without going into my personal life explain the kinsey scale so I don’t have to lie and I don’t have to drag up stupid romantic ideas that may not matter.  if only we could in the same country even.  then things would happen or not and I could be near her.  but again, I digress.

 I’ve even had to argue that I’m straight with people.  ok.. so mostly that’s with women who like me and don’t like hearing that I prefer men.  My mother at one point thought I would come out of the closet.  So have many of my friends. 

 I don’t want people to negate all past, present and future feelings of mine toward men as just hiding.  I don’t want to go through a relationship with a woman and then if I date only men have people call it experimentation.  I try to be genuine and I don’t want to be called otherwise.  and I really don’t want people going, “I knew it.  I always knew she was a dike.” or look at me with “I told you so” eyes. 

It’s my goddammed life.  and maybe I don’t know everything about it, but who does?  I feel like I should know by 24 about my sexuality.   People like naming things.  I wish I could be comfortable being labelless. 

Published in: on March 25, 2008 at 11:38 pm  Leave a Comment  

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