It’s easier to be open about one’s sex life when it’s fairly boring

and yet still awkward.

I was at free concert at a university yesterday. The national health group was passing out free condoms, of which you can never have to many. So I grabbed a bunch. Then the lady asked me, “would you like a free chlamydia screening? It is anonymous and discreet.” I was sitting with two people I had only just met earlier that day. it took all my nerve to say, “sure.”

I haven’t had any vaginal “issues” for a while. The most recent was the damn yeast infections from taking antibiotics when I had an ear infection. Damn non alkalizing environment… But it’s good to know. it’s good to be sure. And since my last routine pap-smear/std check-up (which was all clear…) I have had (protected) PIV with two men and sexual contact (non PIV) with another.

I also Fundementally think other people should be checked regularly. I never think about myself in those terms.. but I want to know that if I sleep with someone they have fairly reliable info that they are free and clear. So really I should do the same for them.

But damn it feels weird. Almost as if checking to see if something is wrong will suddenly cause something to show up on the test. Murphey’s law of STD’s or something. And it was very unconventional for an STD test. but hey it’s free right? I’m supposed to be bumming around this country, where will I get turning down free things?

Anyway, I get given a tube with a swab connected to the top after I fill out the paper work. I then take it in a plain paper bag to a port-a-potty. I try not to touch the interior of the blue smell box while I pull down my shorts and panties. My legs are spread enough so that my clothing doesn’t touch the floor. I look into the paper bag; inside it is plastic bag. It says “biological samples” I’ve got my pants around my shins a paper bag under my arm and I’m opening the ziptop bag take out the swab from the tub and try to get a proper swab of my cervix.

I felt like a moment in a sitcom when the character has to carry one more item and then tries to open the door or something, but the amount of stuff their carrying makes the task hillariously diffficult. I swab as best as I can , secure the swab in the tube, then put it back in the plastic bag, then back in the paper bag. Only then do I pull my pants up. I step out of the port-a-pottie and try to nonchalantly walk back to the health stall and give them my sample. They will email or text my results to me within 10 days. For my trouble I get a box of twelve more condoms in addition to the five or six I grabbed earlier.

I can only hope I get as lucky as the new pile of condoms in my backpack implies.

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One CommentLeave a comment

  1. …I’m sure this has occurred to you, but a portapotty does not sound like the best place to obtain a good sample. Eurgh.

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