why do YOU have sex?

I accidentally came across this article. I skimmed as much as I could so I wasn’t ranting about something I hadn’t read. Now my head hurts. (though it does acknowledge cultural constraints on women’s sexuality)

My biggest problem with the article is that I don’t understand why we need such a study. Or rather, I DO understand why we need such a study and I think ugh.

I know why I have sex. so I’m guessing this article isn’t for me. Who cares why women have sex? oh. MEN. (and maybe lesbians but I’m pretty sure society still thinks that they only exist for men to fantasize about.)

Plus the whole article goes on and on about how women have sex to get back at people, or they are trading favors, or “simply to “keep the peace” at home.” (Um rape culture anyone? 84% of women report this. If saying no was easy and respected this wouldn’t be an issue…)

The article has a tone that implies that this behavior is female in nature. Men’s sex drives are mentioned briefly a couple times, but usually to uphold that men have sex for pleasure or because they are in love, (both in the top 20 reasons men have sex). See it’s those complicated women that make sex complicated!!

Actually, it is not the study itself I cringe at but how the analysis is used. if we looked at how sociologically we are programmed we might find that these results are consistent and indicative of a problem. but the patriarchal lens looking at this study could never make those connections: “More than half of women under 60 still suffer from low sex drive.” Low sex drive in women is a problem for whom? Who is suffering from it really? if I don’t crave chocolate one day am I suffering from lack of interest in chocolate? I mean eating chocolate does bring me pleasure when I do it. so isn’t this the same problem? no. why? because chocolate is just a preference.  And who decides what a “normal” sex drive is?  “Low” is BAD!  why???? If women aren’t interested in having sex whenever a male is, this is seen as problem. Why isn’t that just a preference?

And they only have what people report. People do things all the time without thinking them through, then piece together why. Also there are societal constraints on how we are expected to answer these questions. and women are not supposed to feel pleasure. We are supposed to lie back and think of our country. would that color how people report their reasons for sex? I think so. Its that whole ontological reality thing. we don’t have access to it.

When you have a relationship with someone, no matter how brief, is what 64% of the people do important? no. It is what you and your partner think and communicate. It is how you feel, about how you’re partner feels. Because no specific person will match up with the “general” person on everything, so you must still listen and react and be honest.

Or maybe I’m just being reactionary because this study shows I am in fact a freak of nature because I believe sex should be grounded in consent and pleasure. Plus I think that my body should never have to be used as a bargaining chip because I want to be seen as a whole person, even though I acknowledge that I don’t yet live in that world.

San Diego Pride

I hate that gay men think that no matter what they say or do that it by definition is not misogynistic simply because they are gay. WTF.

It is NOT ok to grab my breast because you are gay.
It is NOT ok to touch me when I’ve explicitly said don’t touch me in that way. It is NOT funny.
It is NOT ok to make comments to womyn about how porta-potties smell like dirty vags’s.

I’m fucking sick of it. I have been fighting really hard for this community. For YOUR fucking rights. and I’m treated as an object. My voice and concerns are not respected. I find it increasingly difficult to remain an ally to the Glbt community. Cisgendered Gay men are pissing me off as a community. it is no longer a community I feel safe in.

and what is really annoying is I was moving house during dyke fest. so a day I could reach out and become a better ally to the non G part of the community I was moving a fucking mattress.

I don’t know what to do. I have male friends I like, but increasingly its just difficult to meet men who respect me as a human. I’m just so pissed. I need to protect myself first. I want to keep being involved in activism. its an important issue. but I don’t want to work with people who view me as just a woman. Privilege is nontransferable. you don’t understand being a “woman” just because you are gay and have your own oppression.

to quote Jay Smooth

We start acting as though coming closer together means not having to care how our words affect each other. We start assuming we can make any kind of joke or use any kind of epithet without a second thought because now that we’ve made all this progress, everyone’s always going to know that we don’t mean it like that. Right?

Nooooo. That is not how this thing is going to work. That’s not how any relationship works. When people come closer together, the boundaries change, but you never stop having any boundaries, in any healthy relationship. And the whole process of getting closer is based on becoming more aware of those constantly evolving boundaries and better at respecting them. That’s how people get to trust each other and be friends. In any healthy relationship, the closer you get, the more you care about how you affect each other. That’s like a basic rule of life.

He was talking about racial interaction. But it applies to all systems of oppression. You do not get assume what boundaries I have. You should not assume access to my body. you should not assume I will think “jokes” (??wtf??) about smelly vags will be funny or even acceptable.

CA sometimes sucks so much ass

Don’t get me wrong.  I love San diego.  The weather, the people, the beach.  and the 9th District court has made some great rulings.  but I just saw This Initiative via Feminist law Professors.

If people are truly concerned about minors health and safety.. they would protect their privacy. if people think “My mom will find out if I have a legal abortion” and they really don’t want their parents to find out, they are going to try unsafe options.

Abortions happen. Period. It doesn’t matter if they are legal or not. but if they are legal, then people can get them done safely. I’m not arguing right or wrong. I’m arguing saving a childs life. Because shoving a coat hanger up your vagina in a desperate attempt to hide the truth from your parents is a hell of a way to go.

So please vote in november. Vote against this. protect young women’s rights.

Why yes that does look like rape culture.

For some reason I’ve been thinking about how “funny” rape is.  Because in movies if it happens to a man it’s high-lar-ious.  This has always bothered me.  If someone is a victim of such violation it should not be made fun of in general.  I really noticed it in “Sorority Boys”  Where one guy drugs his Frat brother who he thinks is a woman (as he’s in disguise) and then rapes him.  But it’s funny because he thinks he’s raping a girl, but in reality he’s doing a guy.

That’s pretty disgusting.  Also at the end of Mallrats The jerky guy goes to jail and is forced to submit.  Doesn’t that tickle your funny bone.  In countless comedies there’s  a prison rape scene that is supposed to be funny.

Now, personally I was already disgusted at the reaction I was “supposed” to have to these scenes.  But recently I’ve been thinking about the implications this humour has in society.  Why people think these scenes are “funny”?

In case you hadn’t figured it out, I’m going to answer that.  Because rape is something that happens to women.  So when it happens to men it feminizes them.  It’s making them “weak” and “girly”. And we all can tap into our inner bullies and laugh at that, right?

This implies that at some level as a culture we accept rape as something that happens to women.  We don’t view it as nice in general, but it is accepted nevertheless.  It also implies that people see women as inferior, weak creatures, with which similarties should be avoided at all cost.  What greater insult is there than to be a “girly” man?

And no, I don’t have answers at the moment.  And yes, that pisses me off even more.  I feel helpless to change this.  After all I’m just a girly weak being according to the dominant paradigm.  I know that things can change because progress has been made in the last 100 years, but damn if I know the next step in this case.  bleagch…

I’m afraid my screams give no voice to the silenced

I sent the following as an email to all my friends in the states:  

I got the heads up about this from here.

“On Monday, President Bush appointed Dr. Susan Orr as Acting Deputy Assistant Secretary for Population Affairs (a Health and Human Services Agency), placing Orr in charge of the nation’s family planning activities under Title X. In the past, Orr has applauded efforts to exclude birth control from health coverage for federal employees, stating that “fertility is not a disease,” and encouraged efforts to withdraw approval of RU-486.

Orr previously worked as an associate commissioner in the Administration for Children and Families, as well as for the anti-contraception and anti-reproductive rights Family Research Council. “

That is to say that the person incharge of “Family planning” is opposed to the only known way of decreasing the abortion rate.  (which is access to birth control )

If you are Pro-Life, she is against the only known means of reducing the abortion rate and therefore against you.

If you are Pro-choice and/or think women should have reproductive rights, she is against you.

Please take a moment to sign the Planned Parenthood Pettition .

Thank you,

xxxxxxxxxxxx

feel free to copy and share or just share. I’m happy to get the message out.

of course this comes at a time when even democrats are continuing abstinence only sex ed. GAAHHHH!!!!  I could just scream.

I heart Planned Parenthood

I was thinking about this more as the controversy over IL is still looming.  So I thought I’d share my experience with them. 

 First off, I’ve never had an abortion and I’ve never been pregnant. 

 But when I was in Highschool I sure didn’t want my mom to know I was considering having sex.  (Even though, looking back, she probably assumed I was sexually active WAY before I was.) 

I was on my parents health insurance so I didn’t want to go through a docter like that, but I was a teenager and didn’t have money to pay out of pocket to see a doctor about my questions.   I was dating an older guy (26) , but was 18.  So everything was legal, just darn awkward. 

 At the time I wasn’t even sure when I was going to “do it.”  I was a virgin.  I’d been dating “old” (as my highschool friends called him) for about 6 months.   I loved him, so I was pretty sure I wanted to have sex with him, but was terribly afraid.  (I’d never even used tampons. ) But I wanted to be prepared.  My sister had an unwanted pregnancy (that turned into a beautiful and very wanted child) just the previous year.  But I was going to go away to college.  I couldn’t have a baby, I needed to go to college.

I went down to the clinic with my then boyfriend.  I was so nervous.  I anxiously asked if he would take an STD test and he agreed.  I was so afraid and I’m still not sure of what.  I wanted him to come with me to the back, but it was against policy.  (a sound one in case some one is in an abusive relationship or something.)  At the time that made me feel a little alone.  Here I was to talk about SEX.  Something that was mysterious and, well, not supposed to be talked about.

So I got on the pill, and they handed me lots of condoms.   

It was because of them that I was never in a postition that I had to choose. 

 This sentiment is echoed here and here.

YAY for truth and knowledge.

I went in curious and left amazed. GO SEE THIS IF YOU CAN!

“The Business of Being Born” & Its Effect on Audiences

by Barbara E. Herrera, LM, CPM

I’ve watched fourteen audiences walk into and then out of Ricki Lake’s childbirth advocacy movie “The Business of Being Born,” and the word that stands out is transformed.

Natural birth advocates leave natural birth fanatics.

Pregnant women walk into the movie as patients at local hospitals and walk out with resolute plans to leave their doctors and find a midwife for a birth they know will be safe and respectful.

I’ve role played with women who want out-of-hospital births (or out of unsupportive doctors) after seeing the film, but whose partners (who wouldn’t attend the screening) are fearful – helping them with ideas to get their loved ones to the movie.

And families who were initially hesitant to support a midwifery-attended birth have become ardent supporters intent on converting their misunderstanding friends.

I’m finding it challenging to get the press to either view the movie or to cover the importance of it in our community. It seems some people find natural birth not newsworthy… a big ol’ yawn.

But, how can any thinking person who cares about the effects of hormonal attachment/detachment that occurs during birth in our culture find this unimportant? How could someone yawn about the economics of slicing a person open for convenience’s sake (the convenience of the clock, the wallet and the courtroom)? I would think that someone with any semblance of a heart would “get” that birth as it stands today is abhorrent and a complete overhaul is needed.

This movie explains why it goes far, far beyond having or having not medication at birth… it is an entire mindset of respect for a woman’s autonomy and the understanding that choices in birth create the most amazing human beings that walk in our neighborhoods. Damaged women and babies do nothing but hurt the world… why foster the continuation of such cruelty?

If the right people saw the movie, the word would get out. That is what is so challenging about the publicity surrounding this movie. It has amazing amounts of well-documented –and jaw-dropping – information that relatively few know about. The people seeing the movie could quote the statistics chapter and verse! It’s those that haven’t seen the movie that need to plop their butts in the seats and then they need to tell others about it from their points of view.

If you’re reading this, you can do your part by either attending the movie yourself if it is in your area (check www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com) or sponsoring a viewing.

If you are so inclined to educate the public about the movie, write letters and send fliers to whomever you can – the press, letters to the editor, your email lists, friends, family, support groups, children’s pre-schools, middle and high school health and sex education teachers, women’s studies programs, child development programs, psychology classes, childbirth education teachers, local midwives (including Nurse-Midwives), La Leche League leaders, head nurses on Labor & Delivery floors, friendly obstetricians, chapter leaders of the International Cesarean Awareness Network, local leaders of midwifery organizations, natural clothing stores, cloth diaper suppliers, childbirth educators and lactation educators as well as putting fliers on bulletin boards at natural food stores and attachment parenting baby stores, Babies R Us and other kid-friendly stores and locations.

Together, we can bring more people to know what we’ve known for far too long. Birth can – and should be – an honored and cherished experience, no matter where, or how, it occurs. It is in the knowledge of options and in the light of respect and humanity that birth becomes perfection.

Perfection is rightfully ours.

update on Planned Parenthood Aurora

In reference to my earlier post
Firstly there is up to date info at
 http://ppaurora.blogspot.com/

There was a post this morning.  It basically said, yes they can legally throw the people off their property:

that the only way we can remove the protesters is to get Safeway/Dominick’s to send a letter to the city telling them they don’t want the protesters on their private property.

So in calling in we should Request they write a letter the the city.

My personal Addendum is that when complaining, inform them that the objectional behavior is the intimidation tactics. These protesters are Taking people’s pictures and wrtiting down their liscense plate numbers. they Are harrassing patients. Yes this is technically legal, but it is unkind, and hurtful. Even if those you speak call themselves “pro-life” it is important to note that Planned Parenthood does more than “just abortions” they offer mamograms, and pap smears and information. What could be more pro-life than ensuring that women of all economic backgrounds have access to healthcare?

Please call both the local Store and Corporate.

Dominick’s store: 630-236-0683

National Safeway Corporation’s VP for Public Affairs : 925-467-3000

The Store in Questions is:

The Dominick’s/Safeway store in question is at 3025 E. New York St, Aurora, Ill. 60504.

Vons/Safeway/Dominicks is anti-choice

Well i found out through Feministing:

Safeway hosting anti-choicers in Aurora
Having lost their appeal to the Aurora city council to shut down the new Planned Parenthood clinic, the antis have set up shop on private property — specifically the parking lot of a Dominick’s/Safeway grocery store — adjacent to the clinic. Of course, photographing women and license plates outside of abortion providers is not exactly a novel anti-choice tactic. But this time they’re not standing on public sidewalks.

As a private business, Dominick’s/Safeway could throw them off the premises and make them stop this intimidation. So call Safeway corporate and ask that the Aurora location do just that:

1-877-SAFEWAY(1-877-723-3929)
Monday to Friday 9 a.m. to 9 p.m, Local Time
Saturday and Sunday, 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., Local Time

The Dominick’s/Safeway store in question is at 3025 E. New York St, Aurora, Ill. 60504.

UPDATE: Folks in comments are saying they’re having better luck with this number for Safeway corporate offices in Pleasanton: 925-467-3000 .

Please call the corporate offices. The lady I talked to was shocked that this was happening and said she is calling their district manager. I’m not shopping at safeway or any safeway owned businesses until this is resolved. Please join me standing up for choice. Vote with your dollar and let them know that they have lost a customer if this continues.

again the number for Safeway corporate offices in Pleasanton is 925-467-3000

On Hooking Up

It seems like I’ve done nothing but sift through links  about Laura Sessions Stepp as I’m reading blogs recently. The short of it is she has a book on “the hookup culture” that is ruining today’s youth.  or something. 

I pretty much agree with what everyone else is saying.  So I don’t want to blog about that.  But it has got me thinking about my views about me “hooking up” as I haven’t really done it much.   (so much for the “hooking-up culture”)

In theory I think it could be great.  In practice I have turned it down several times.   Why? (this is as much a question to myself and the following is unorganised introspection)

 Well in college I was completely shut down physically.  I was in emotional upheaval for the better part of it.  I was not in a place I could emotionally or physically connect with other people very well.  But I got my degree!  So yay? 

Reasons for being so disconnected from my physical needs:

1. poor sleep habits
2. drinking alcohol
3. eating fried foods
4. paranoia

 This is college life right?  Never again.  But let’s look at #4.  when I was in highschool my sister got pregnant.  She was 19.  She is now a stay at home mom with a highschool diploma.  my first (and only at the time) experience with sex was so emotional that I couldn’t imaging seperating the act from the emotion. 

I was afraid if i had sex I wouldn’t get my degree.  I was afraid i wouldn’t get my degree anyway.  (My dad almost finished colleged but dropped out in the end.  (but I did get my degree.. at a detriment to my health and well being, but I did it!))

But it was more than that.  I was chronically depressed and stressed out.  None of the situations I found myself in felt “right.”  In fact some of them were really ‘wrong’ feeling.  Like the time I dated the guy who laughed at my body and was so broke that he could not afford to call me. 

 See I’m really glad I didn’t have PIV with him.  or ever even sucked him off.  And while he was the worst, I never really connected with anyone I actually dated during college.  nothing lasted more than a couple months, and I always wanted to take it slowly.  It was never quite right.  I ended up fooling around and having some amount of Sexual relations, but PIV seemed too invasive and personal with any of the opportunities presented

Skip to my life after college.  There’s only been a year and a bit of it so far. May 18 my life began again!  Well, everything else was going well at the time as well.. but the big moment had it’s seed.  The 18th I met a nice young man who I was having a great time flirting with.  on the 20th he was leaving the state to back to school.  The 18th itself we were both covered in muck and really tired… (there was some college event i crashed at ucsd involving a water slide while in my clothes.)  So the 19th I stole him from the friend he was visiting and for the first time in four years and 10 months (exactly) I had PIV.

It was so much fun.  I was in a place where I could connect with another person even if it was ephemeral.  I knew what I was getting into.  He was studying in Pennsylvania, and I was planning on leaving the country at the end of the year.  There was no way it was turning into anything long distance.  Just one day.  Yes I was sad when it ended, but dammit I took what I could get and thoroughly enjoyed myself. 

The next week I started dating someone else, but it didn’t feel right.  So we didn’t do anything and I broke up with him and that nice young man passed through town for 6 days.  That was a fun week.  it sucked when he left.  but I’m so grateful that i was in a place to take advantage of what was offered.

so my in my limitted experience, hooking up can be very good.  I don’t think I’d hook up with people I’d see on a regular basis afterwards.  I mean what’s the point?  If you have great sex with them, then why not just keep doing it? Then you’re either fuck buddies or in a relationship both of which aren’t really just hooking up.  and who wants to hook up if it’s going to  be bad sex?

so Yeah.. In the past two weeks I found myself a boyfriend.  I’ve actually known him about 2 or three months, but I wasn’t paying much attention at the time as I was proccupied with boys from far away.  we didn’t wait long.  My body has been awakened.  I don’t think I could have waited long.  but again.  it feels right.  it might not feel so right in the near future or when I leave the country, but I’ll worry about that then.