what will you do for a gender free tomorrow?

I’ve always been a huge proponent of gender deconstruction. But I don’t know if that is really the right phrase. People talk about hetero-normative culture, I believe it is only part of a larger problem of gender-normative culture.

What is “straight” but a gendered expectation on who we should want to fuck or raise a family with? The patriarchy thrives on the gender binary system. It sees Masculine and Maleness as good and anything outside that as, well, not good. We can not live freely as womyn if we are living in the confines of “femininity”. But we cannot change what it means to be a “woman” without affect what it means to be a man. If we take away the strict definition of “man” the patriarchy has no legs to stand on.

Men also cannot live freely withing the confines of “Masculinty”. But while womyn have risked their lives, careers and families for the ability to wear a pantsuit, most men do not stand and fight for their right to wear pink frocks. That would be fighting for something that is doesn’t fit into the male= good paradigm. So the few men who do fight for equality in gender relations are cast out and punished (including physical assault) by the dominant system as a warning to those who would question the status quo.

And the Pantsuit is no salvation. It is women taking on a masculine costume to gain the power that masculinity brings. It does not change the “male=good” definition. This is not an unreasonable plan since no true revolution has come yet.

Gender-normativity is so built into our culture that we don’t have the words to adequately describe the world without dividing it into “girl things” and “boy things”. And English isn’t even the worst at it. In most romance languages every noun has a gender. But even though English isn’t the “worst” it is still completely deficient.

We need a singular pronoun that is gender neutral, because “it” isn’t cutting the mustard, and “they” gets really confusing and difficult to decipher for some people who insist it is plural.

Gendered expectations control lives, oppressing our true autonomy. I say no race, no economic conditons, and no government has the right to take my autonomy. (They do. All the time. But I’m talking about my dream of the post patriarchal world here) So why should I let gendered expectation control me? there aren’t always options, (esp for children.) Many Schools in NZ have uniforms that require skirts for girls and shorts or trousers for boys. from day one we are told we either belong in the cult of pink or blue.

I know it seems I am not offering solutions. I don’t think that a world free from gender-normative expectations will happen overnight. So here’s what I’ll do:

1. I will speak out against destructive gender-normative impositions as I see them in everyday life.
2. I will encourage and support those in my community who act outside of gender normative expectations to live the life they choose.
3. I will respect and support those who live in fear of coming out as not wanting to live within gender normative expectations (this includes not outing anyone).
4. I will proudly not fit into rigid gender roles when I don’t feel they define who I am.

Join me. What will you do to support a gender free tomorrow?

It’s easier to be open about one’s sex life when it’s fairly boring

and yet still awkward.

I was at free concert at a university yesterday. The national health group was passing out free condoms, of which you can never have to many. So I grabbed a bunch. Then the lady asked me, “would you like a free chlamydia screening? It is anonymous and discreet.” I was sitting with two people I had only just met earlier that day. it took all my nerve to say, “sure.”

I haven’t had any vaginal “issues” for a while. The most recent was the damn yeast infections from taking antibiotics when I had an ear infection. Damn non alkalizing environment… But it’s good to know. it’s good to be sure. And since my last routine pap-smear/std check-up (which was all clear…) I have had (protected) PIV with two men and sexual contact (non PIV) with another.

I also Fundementally think other people should be checked regularly. I never think about myself in those terms.. but I want to know that if I sleep with someone they have fairly reliable info that they are free and clear. So really I should do the same for them.

But damn it feels weird. Almost as if checking to see if something is wrong will suddenly cause something to show up on the test. Murphey’s law of STD’s or something. And it was very unconventional for an STD test. but hey it’s free right? I’m supposed to be bumming around this country, where will I get turning down free things?

Anyway, I get given a tube with a swab connected to the top after I fill out the paper work. I then take it in a plain paper bag to a port-a-potty. I try not to touch the interior of the blue smell box while I pull down my shorts and panties. My legs are spread enough so that my clothing doesn’t touch the floor. I look into the paper bag; inside it is plastic bag. It says “biological samples” I’ve got my pants around my shins a paper bag under my arm and I’m opening the ziptop bag take out the swab from the tub and try to get a proper swab of my cervix.

I felt like a moment in a sitcom when the character has to carry one more item and then tries to open the door or something, but the amount of stuff their carrying makes the task hillariously diffficult. I swab as best as I can , secure the swab in the tube, then put it back in the plastic bag, then back in the paper bag. Only then do I pull my pants up. I step out of the port-a-pottie and try to nonchalantly walk back to the health stall and give them my sample. They will email or text my results to me within 10 days. For my trouble I get a box of twelve more condoms in addition to the five or six I grabbed earlier.

I can only hope I get as lucky as the new pile of condoms in my backpack implies.

My two cents in the vajayay “controversy”

As I don’t watch much tv and I hang out with the old folks, I did not hear the term vajayay until it hit the blogsphere.

 My first encounter with the word was praise of it on feministing.  From there I heard it was popularised by “Grey’s Anatomy” not because the writers felt it was something a woman would say, but because “vagina” is offensive. Another critique is that is sounds childish because of the repitition of sounds, (jayay). Then feminsiting points me to this article.

now Jessica did a wonderful job deconstructing the article at Feministing, but I have a few of my own comments I’d like to make. (and possibly repeat)

Personally I think the word is neither here nor there. It doesn’t offend me particuarly, but i’ve always been hard to offend with a single word out of context. It depends who says it and how that I might be offfended. No, the word itself doesn’t rile me up. it kind of reminds me of Poonani (sp?) which is what my sister and I used to call it. Yes I do think it is childish and if anyone said to me, “I want to stick my dick in your vajaya” I would find it disturbing, or funny or both depending on who said it. It seems like a very nonsexual sounding word. good for discussions of it when you don’t want to sound sexual, or for kids to say, or to relate funny stories about.

 But this guy is rediculous.  He makes me want to scream “vagina” at the top of my lungs over and over again.  

here he claims there isn’t a good word for the female anatomy:

Funny how we’ve never had similar trouble with our own plumbing: pecker, johnson, shaft and rod always seem to do the trick just fine. But things have always been more complicated when it comes to women.

And not just for what we guys call it, but women’s usage, too.

Vagina has always been out there, but it’s never been quite right. It’s uninviting, and seems to have an edge to it. There are plenty of other choices, including the dreaded c-word, which is nasty.

Harvard psychology professor Steven Pinker counts at least 1,200 terms for the vagina in the history of the English language.

But we’ve never settled on any other.

Ummm right you’ve settled on exactly what for the male anatomy? He mentions 4 different words for penis then complains there isn’t a particular universal slang word for vagina.
He then makes euphamistic references to it throughout the article. He maked oh-so-punny references to “the female zone”, “but I refuse to beat around the bush”, “has got us thinking outside of the box”. So he finds nothing wrong with using these other words for vagina, but because there isn’t a universal word it’s just not good enough? Personally I find the idea of a universal euphamism for vagina to be more than disconcerting.

There is nothing wrong with a silly word like vajaya, but if that is the only word we are allowed to use that would mean there would never be a serious discussion of female anatomy again. How would men feel if they wrere coerced into feeling like they had to use the term “ding-a-ling” or (my personal favorite) “rumpleforeskin” to refer to their genitals? Especially if (in this fantasy land) we were allowed to say vagina as many times as we wanted in a tv show about medicince but had to resort to “ding-a-ling” after a couple times of saying the word penis.

Perhaps oppressed? We should not have to settle on a single euphamism for our genetalia, and we should be able to use the clinical term.

The feminists, it seems, have a proprietary interest in female genitalia.

Oh the horror I have a proprietary interest in my own genitals. It is my body, right? I guess he thinks it should be his body, as evidenced by this:

Unlike the starkly clinical vagina, I see a vajayjay as a happy and inviting place, with a warm and fuzzy connotation. Vajayjay says “hello . . . welcome” and “open for business.” “Vagina” screams textbook. “Vajayjay” says Facebook.

Personally I don’t want my vagina to say “open for business”. it is mine to with as I choose. (and I choose very carefully). I only want to welcome those I want. not the whole world, and especially not this writer.

There is one sentence I agree with (and i have to take it out of context to do so):

It has such a sense of taboo that nobody feels totally comfortable talking about it…

Yes it is taboo in this culture to say vagina. but that is why some people are upset with this new word. The word Vigina shouldn’t be taboo. If we use the term more, we can be free from taboo. And maybe the word vagina would be more “comfortable”.
Of course I cut the above sentence in half. in context it is:

Vagina is a tough word that refuses to roll easily off the tongue. It has such a sense of taboo that nobody feels totally comfortable talking about it – not even women, but especially men. So use of the word remains almost exclusively to the feminists

Because feminists aren’t men or women, we are not human. We are outside of humanity. This implication really irks me.

in the end i think that talking about vagina’s is a step in the right direction even if we call them something else. But we should not only call them something else and still need to work toward calling them by their proper medical name.

I went in curious and left amazed. GO SEE THIS IF YOU CAN!

“The Business of Being Born” & Its Effect on Audiences

by Barbara E. Herrera, LM, CPM

I’ve watched fourteen audiences walk into and then out of Ricki Lake’s childbirth advocacy movie “The Business of Being Born,” and the word that stands out is transformed.

Natural birth advocates leave natural birth fanatics.

Pregnant women walk into the movie as patients at local hospitals and walk out with resolute plans to leave their doctors and find a midwife for a birth they know will be safe and respectful.

I’ve role played with women who want out-of-hospital births (or out of unsupportive doctors) after seeing the film, but whose partners (who wouldn’t attend the screening) are fearful – helping them with ideas to get their loved ones to the movie.

And families who were initially hesitant to support a midwifery-attended birth have become ardent supporters intent on converting their misunderstanding friends.

I’m finding it challenging to get the press to either view the movie or to cover the importance of it in our community. It seems some people find natural birth not newsworthy… a big ol’ yawn.

But, how can any thinking person who cares about the effects of hormonal attachment/detachment that occurs during birth in our culture find this unimportant? How could someone yawn about the economics of slicing a person open for convenience’s sake (the convenience of the clock, the wallet and the courtroom)? I would think that someone with any semblance of a heart would “get” that birth as it stands today is abhorrent and a complete overhaul is needed.

This movie explains why it goes far, far beyond having or having not medication at birth… it is an entire mindset of respect for a woman’s autonomy and the understanding that choices in birth create the most amazing human beings that walk in our neighborhoods. Damaged women and babies do nothing but hurt the world… why foster the continuation of such cruelty?

If the right people saw the movie, the word would get out. That is what is so challenging about the publicity surrounding this movie. It has amazing amounts of well-documented –and jaw-dropping – information that relatively few know about. The people seeing the movie could quote the statistics chapter and verse! It’s those that haven’t seen the movie that need to plop their butts in the seats and then they need to tell others about it from their points of view.

If you’re reading this, you can do your part by either attending the movie yourself if it is in your area (check www.thebusinessofbeingborn.com) or sponsoring a viewing.

If you are so inclined to educate the public about the movie, write letters and send fliers to whomever you can – the press, letters to the editor, your email lists, friends, family, support groups, children’s pre-schools, middle and high school health and sex education teachers, women’s studies programs, child development programs, psychology classes, childbirth education teachers, local midwives (including Nurse-Midwives), La Leche League leaders, head nurses on Labor & Delivery floors, friendly obstetricians, chapter leaders of the International Cesarean Awareness Network, local leaders of midwifery organizations, natural clothing stores, cloth diaper suppliers, childbirth educators and lactation educators as well as putting fliers on bulletin boards at natural food stores and attachment parenting baby stores, Babies R Us and other kid-friendly stores and locations.

Together, we can bring more people to know what we’ve known for far too long. Birth can – and should be – an honored and cherished experience, no matter where, or how, it occurs. It is in the knowledge of options and in the light of respect and humanity that birth becomes perfection.

Perfection is rightfully ours.

Female nudists need a community of their own

now, I’m not a separatist Feminist, but I do know that in certain situations having men around can make women uncomfortable exploring or trying new things, or discussing topics that are important to be discussed.  In a perfect world these things wouldn’t be taboo for men or women, and could be discussed as a society.  But with the societal constraints we have, approaching nudism as a woman is difficult.

 That is not to say that with our societal constraints approaching nudism as a man is easy, But there are far more male than female nudists, and I can only speak from my perspective.

Women are brought up to see themselves as objects and tools for men’s gratification.  (Even men are brought up to see women this way.)  I know that this is does not apply to 100% of the population, but to some extents our culture tells us this.  look at any magazine, or at pop icons.  Just because there are a few exceptions doesn’t mean the problem isn’t there, or that it’s ok to ignore it.  But I digress…

 If you are a woman interested in nudism, and you go to a beach or a resort, you will be getting naked in front of men.  These same men that you were taught will objectify you, and who will drool over you.  The men that society tells us cannot control themselves if a woman wears a skirt that is too short.  And we’re expected to simply forget society and happily prance about?

It takes time, and courage.  I only go down to the beach when I have male protectors.  Men that I know will keep the creeps away (because it is a public place men who think it is ok to objectify women troll the beach looking for women to stare at and sometimes (though rarely) even jack off to).  I’ve never been to a resort, but I would not go alone the first time even though the pervs are screened out.  I would not feel comfortable.

 It would be utterly fantastic to have a place to go to be naked where I could feel safe.  I feel safe on the beach if my friends are there, but I want to feel unconditionally safe.  I think it would be great to have talks about society and self perception.  What is expected of the female body, and what is the reality?  Let us accept and embrace that reality! 

Once more comfortable with our bodies and ourselves, I think it would be easier to happily prance at resorts with people of all genders. 

 One more comment.  Before anyone says this is reverse sexism and we should allow men,  This is about creating a space for women to join an already existing community.  Not a community completely separate from men. 

sugar

I’m craving it.  I was good earlier, I walked away from the remaining chocolate covered raisins I placed in the breakroom.  They should be gone by the end of the day.

 But man, I’m craving chocolate and sugar.  I took a preemptive alieve to thwart the chocolate withdrawal headache.  But I’m going mad. 

 I know that every time I turn it down it will get a little easier.  But it’s hard the first day.

still off the wagon but wanting back on

What I really wanted to write about is how much I suck at self control.  I mentioned that I wanted to give up chocolate. Well that has failed so far.

I was rationalizing that while I was menstrating it was reasonable to crave such things. But that is now over.

Yesterday I bought a container of Dark chocolate covered rasins. I could have sworn that they were vegan. It wasn’t until later that I noticed “milk fat” on the ingredient list. did this stop me from eating most of the “11 servings” in the container? no. Why not?

oh, because i’m addicted. I could not stop eating them. I now feel slightly ill. I need to quit. I put the rest of them in the lunch room at work so they would “disapear.”

so now I need to go through the withdrawal and have a horrible headache.

it’s hard to listen to your body when you use stimulants (like caffine). It can really fuck up the messaging system. I’m also surprised by how well I can rationalize things I really know I shouldn’t do. (“it has milkfat, but I’ve already pruchased it, so it would be a waste not to eat it” ) Uggh. well it was a waste. now I’m not feeling good and probably won’t for hte next few days I suffer withdrawal and side effects of eating too much sugar. Because refined sugar is icky.. at least it didn’t have high fructose corn syrup.

I really like my boyfriend

I would hope if some one has a boyfriend they like them.  from personal experience this is not the case in all relationships… but I digress.

He did a wonderful thing that makes me want to blog.  He is ok with the fact that I menstrate. 

 This SHOULDN’T be a big deal, but it is.  A lot of men are not ok with this.  But my wonderful guy poked his head into the shower while I was squated down to change my Diva Cup. His reaction was to scritch my head as it was at hand level at that moment.  

 I was holding a little cup of my menstral fluid.  When he scritched I looked up and said, “it’s not fair!  there’s barely any blood, but it would still drip If I weren’t wearing this thing!”  I mean come on it was the 7th day of my period SO FAR.  They always last 8 or 9 days for me, but are only heavy the first day and a half.   He knows all of this.  and his response was a sincerely empathetic pout.  He didn’t go, “ewwww periods are gross” or “I think I’m going to vomit” or any other related comment.

I thought it was so sweet.   He also doesn’t care that if I wear certain heels I’m taller than him.  Yay for profeminist males that mean it!

Menstruation is Good

I’m not being sarcastic.   It is good for the body and reminds me that I am woman with all that comes with it.  

I am currently menstrating so it is on my mind a bit.  I really wish I could shake the world by it’s shoulders and get it to realise that a monthly flow is not gross. ProFeministe Male supports me leaving my vagina as is, but the industry doesn’t.

I mean without this function none of us would be here. my vagina is clean and smells like a vagina. I use a diva cup because it is tidier and doesn’t cause tss. no string hanging down to carry bacteria up inside me.  Occasionally if I don’t want anything inside of me I will use a pad.  I’m hoping to get Glad Rags so that I’m not adding to landfills when I do that.

Just two days ago I was running into problems that people have because I admit to bleeding about once a month. I was a bit worried because I was late, (not so late I was freaking out and heading to the pharmacy, esp since I use spermacidically lubricated condoms) and I mentioned this to a male friend. He freaked. we were in public! his main concern? “Keep your voice down!” So I did what any immature recently out of college youth would do: I continued talking about vaginas and menstration. I even called out “menstration” after him at one point when we were leaving a gellato place in china town SF. Most of the comments weren’t that graphic, such as, “I need to hang out with menstrating women, my body is really sensitive to syncing up with other people”

If you are a girl and you are reading this and think that anything I’ve said is gross, or I’m crazy to mention menstration to a guy. Let me tell you:

Your body is fine. Your vagina is wonderful. Your vagina is beautiful.

 You do not need to lemon scent it, you do not need to hide it’s monthly flows. It is how it should be.

do not be afraid to touch it, or have it touched (lovingly).

it is not dirty. It is the place from which life springs. It is the place from which orgasms spring. Rejoice.

You are wonderful.