because rape and tasers are hilarious.

This was linked to on facebook by a liberal dood friend of mine, and “liked” by a few womyn. The friend part is not sarcastic. Just shows that even people like my friends, who really do care about social justice and equality, don’t quite get what I mean by rape culture. Nor do I think they want to. Takes re-evaluating their lives too much.

Anyway, the end of this video, the obnoxious main character is anally raped with a taser. WTF? This is comedy. Because rape is funny if it happens to men.

But it is even more than that. it is raping someone with a lethal weapon. Normalizing violence. Normalizing police brutality.

And people tell me I’m the man hater? Look around. did you laugh at this video? do you think it is funny when Wyou a male prison rape scene is alluded to or depicted in a comedy? who laughs at this? I’m guessing some of the people who think I’m a “man-hating bitch” do. I’m guessing some faux-feminist men, who think that showing men weak is what feminists want to see, will laugh. (I actually had a male “feminist” friend of mine say a guy got what he deserved when a woman didn’t tell him she had and STD when he didn’t want to use a condom. ummmmmm wha…?)

Back when I wrote the post on why media depictions of sexual violence against men is a feminist issue, I did not have the benefit of having read Julia Serano’s Whipping Girl. While I don’t quite agree with every thing she says, I do like how she defines traditional sexism as against femininity instead of against women. This type of sexism can be manifest towards males and females. I think this is a case of that.

defining sexuality

so. I generally identify as straight. but I’m at a place where I’m attracted to my good female friend. am I bisexual? maybe. And I know that people are going to be pissed with me, but I don’t think so.

I know there is a lot of bi-phobia out there, and I’ve seen a lot of reactions from people who feel betrayed by people who have relations with people of both sexes but don’t identify as bisexual. It is not my intent to distance myself from the queer community. In fact I’d feel guilty if I identified as bi.

I have straight privilege. I know that when watching movies or whatever that people will have relationships that have the gender make up of the relationships I’ve had. I’ve never dated a woman, and I’m not really interested in most women. I know, I know, that’s like labeling all virgins as asexual. Obviously you can have sexual feelings and know who you want to date even if you haven’t dated them. but this is different. I’ve always wanted to date men, with their hairy faces and penises. It is not just a response to being programed by society and not being true to myself. (Yes I have had people argue my sexuality with me before so I’ve thought about it and had to deal with this argument). I don’t want to co opt a culture and movement with my mostly straight voice.

I would be okay with being called my-specific-best-friend-sexual. because that’s what it is. I like her specifically. not that when I date boys I don’t like them in specific, but a large range of men stimulate me and the same doesn’t happen around women.

It feels like I should have this sorted out by now. not my entire love life, but my sexual orientation identity. I don’t even like that sexual orientation should be be part of my identity. I identify with much more important things. Thing I’m super passionate about. I’m a math educator, I’m a subverter of the dominant paradigm, I’m a feminist, I’m a nudist. but that’s part of straight privilege. I’m “normal” so I don’t have to deal with my sexuality as my identity as a part of me that others me from society. if I did date a woman then society would label and identify me. I would have to respond to that, or at least live with that, unless I moved to a cave.

in the post-everything-bad world the label would be meaningless. everyone would just date who they like. And what their genitals looked like wouldn’t be a big deal. but that is not where we live. sigh.

I’m scared and mad

I think I can now really identify as an anarchist. I mean, I’m supporting the marriage equality movement because I believe if there is law it should apply equally to all people. But I do believe marriage is an oppressive structure, so in a perfect world do away with it all.

but this marriage equality thing is important. it is so sexist to say a man can marry a woman but a woman can’t. It is sexist to say that a woman can marry a man but a man can’t. it’s all just bull.

And it’s looking like Prop 8 won’t be overturned. The case is about what is legal, not what is right. the result won’t really be known for a while, but I’m so afraid. And I’m MAD. If this is rule of law, fuck the law.

Like Michael Franti said:

Fuck the constitution
are we part of the solution
or are we part of the pollution.

People hold up this document as if it were perfect. As if as humans we should mold our lives for it. But how can we say this about a document that allowed slavery? 3/5 rule said black people were 3/5ths of a person for the population count needed to determine how many representatives a state would get in the House.

Yeah…. Fuck. That. Shit.

If the CA state Constitution remains intrinsically sexist. Fuck it. “when injustice becomes law, rebellion becomes duty” Don’t know who said it, but I agree.

when the case is decided. If it upholds taking away rights from citizens, how can there not be riots in the streets? and I’m usually the peacenick of the group.

I was too quiet

Yesterday I had a bit of an icky experience.  I went to the beach, as I am want to do.   I had a great talk with my new fellow vegan feminist nudist person.  that was all good.  but I started mentioning March Forth on March 4th. (which if you are in San Diego You should go to! Please click the link for more information on marriage equality and the upcoming supreme court case.)

This is what got me into trouble. I mentioned it to one guy who had been fairly friendly in a not creepy way and I he “didn’t believe in it” and had a “different opinion” Now to me an opinion is whether you prefer blue or gold or something like that, not if you think you should take 1,138 rights away from people who love each other. I mentioned how people can’t even visit loved ones in the hospital he deflected. I almost decided to get up and punch him but thought that it wouldn’t go over well with the rest of the beach.

I stood up for equality but was just angry. Which is understandable. my being too quiet happened later.

When everyone was dressed and getting ready to tramp up the hill I was saying my good byes and waiting for people to finish packing and this guy comes up and hugs me. I try to move a bit out of the way but don’t completely disengage. I was just so shocked he would come up to me and so shocked he would impose. So I just let him violate my space.  What makes him think he has the RIGHT to do that?

I feel I should have said no and should have screamed it! should have said “I don’t want you in my personal space” or “you have not been invited to have physical contact with me, do not touch me.” You know SOMETHING. I understand the need to be polite but that is very VERY different than being friendly. I don’t want to talk to people who think a group of people are second class citizens just because they don’t fit into the heteronormative bullcrap paradigm. Ok.. I do want to talk to them, when I’m out doing marriage equality work, but not when I want to relax. not when I’m in a place where I want to feel safe being myself.

And I sure as hell don’t want them to touch me.  Especially in such a friendly way as a hug.

what will you do for a gender free tomorrow?

I’ve always been a huge proponent of gender deconstruction. But I don’t know if that is really the right phrase. People talk about hetero-normative culture, I believe it is only part of a larger problem of gender-normative culture.

What is “straight” but a gendered expectation on who we should want to fuck or raise a family with? The patriarchy thrives on the gender binary system. It sees Masculine and Maleness as good and anything outside that as, well, not good. We can not live freely as womyn if we are living in the confines of “femininity”. But we cannot change what it means to be a “woman” without affect what it means to be a man. If we take away the strict definition of “man” the patriarchy has no legs to stand on.

Men also cannot live freely withing the confines of “Masculinty”. But while womyn have risked their lives, careers and families for the ability to wear a pantsuit, most men do not stand and fight for their right to wear pink frocks. That would be fighting for something that is doesn’t fit into the male= good paradigm. So the few men who do fight for equality in gender relations are cast out and punished (including physical assault) by the dominant system as a warning to those who would question the status quo.

And the Pantsuit is no salvation. It is women taking on a masculine costume to gain the power that masculinity brings. It does not change the “male=good” definition. This is not an unreasonable plan since no true revolution has come yet.

Gender-normativity is so built into our culture that we don’t have the words to adequately describe the world without dividing it into “girl things” and “boy things”. And English isn’t even the worst at it. In most romance languages every noun has a gender. But even though English isn’t the “worst” it is still completely deficient.

We need a singular pronoun that is gender neutral, because “it” isn’t cutting the mustard, and “they” gets really confusing and difficult to decipher for some people who insist it is plural.

Gendered expectations control lives, oppressing our true autonomy. I say no race, no economic conditons, and no government has the right to take my autonomy. (They do. All the time. But I’m talking about my dream of the post patriarchal world here) So why should I let gendered expectation control me? there aren’t always options, (esp for children.) Many Schools in NZ have uniforms that require skirts for girls and shorts or trousers for boys. from day one we are told we either belong in the cult of pink or blue.

I know it seems I am not offering solutions. I don’t think that a world free from gender-normative expectations will happen overnight. So here’s what I’ll do:

1. I will speak out against destructive gender-normative impositions as I see them in everyday life.
2. I will encourage and support those in my community who act outside of gender normative expectations to live the life they choose.
3. I will respect and support those who live in fear of coming out as not wanting to live within gender normative expectations (this includes not outing anyone).
4. I will proudly not fit into rigid gender roles when I don’t feel they define who I am.

Join me. What will you do to support a gender free tomorrow?

hope for tomorrow

I had a suprising and wonderful conversation in passing last night.  I was at a video rental place talking to my friend who works there ( ok I concede, sometimes life is like clerks… but in a much less annoying way.)  I was gossiping to my friend about my date on sunday night and how it ended in a “wait, what? huh?”  sort of way. 

and this customer joins in our conversation.  a bloke with a motercycle helmet.  he also had gone to the movies on a date the previous night, and he mentioned he was feeling morally conflicted about having kissed the girl because she was leaving the country in 8 weeks and he wasn’t sure that he wanted to have a relationship when as he felt he would be hurt when she left.  he was also afraid something might not go well and he would ruin the rest of her time in NZ. 

Yet again we see that gender stereotypes about how people should act are totally bogus.  he was a MAN! (GASP!) he should only want sex, but he has emotional needs and vulnerabilites and was concerned for the girl’s emotional needs and vulnerabilites. 

also there are posters everywhere promoting wearing white ribbons to stand in solidarity against violence against women.  the posters feature men wearing the ribons and are aimed at men to take a stand against violence against women.  exactly the type of thing that Dworkin suggested in I want a 24 hour truce.

I feel awesome!

speaking of my date I helped participate in the yes means yes and no means no culture and instead of attacking my date with my lips asked him EXPLICITLY, “can I kiss you?”. that’s when things got a bit “huh, whut?” but we’ll see. I’m so glad i asked. I don’t like people to physically impose themselves on me and don’t want anyone to feel I do that to the. It works well and doesn’t kill the mood, (especially if it’s an awkward date moment to begin with) So I suggest to all men and women and people who do not identify as either man or woman, ask!

what the hell do I do about nice guys

I’m living in a hostle in an 8 bed dorm at the moment.  mostly women in the room itself.  The building holds about 40 people total I think.  It’s really fun even.  But one guy is bothering me a bit.

I mean, I get on with him quite well, he’s intelligent, witty, funny.  But I, being myself after all, will go on about issues that are important to me.  Or mention “taboo” subjects that others might shy away from.

And he freaks out everytime he hears the word “vagina.”  I know a guy doing that isn’t news.  Many men, and even women i might add, have issues with the word vagina.

And Yes, I know i should be saying Vulva half the time I say vagina.. but it’s a coloquialism…or something……Alright I’ll do better next time.

anyway.  I mentioned how I was with my sister when she gave birth and it was really cool, though a bit weird to be looking at my sister’s vagina.   And he shuddered.  to be fair “penis” bothers him a little too, (though not as much)

So do I just keep saying “Vagina” around him in the hopes he will become desensitised?

or is there a better solution.  He agrees with many of my feminist points when I actively make them.  but says standard “nice guy” misogynistic crap as well.  Like when he’s the only guy in the room, “I guess we won’t be watching stargate”  It took me a while to get that women don’t like stargate…..  yeah… he totally “gets” it doesn’t he….

but point out every offence would totally mess up the good vibes of the hostle.  and I do have to live there.  so I will just focus on the one issue at the moment and the really obnoxious ones.

nice guys are the worst.  because they mean “so well”.

It’s like he sees me as a person but all women he doesn’t know are totally alien creatures that are different from men.

ok.. I’m just ranting and repeating at this point. so I should stop typing.

I don’t want eher to be a jessica stein type experiment

I love a woman.  I have for quite a while.  And she just broke up with her S.O. 

I’m pretty sure she loves me too. 

 But I think I’m really heterosexual.  I really like PIV and well, cocks in general.  I really don’t know if I could do without them at all. 

So what do I do?  She’s two oceans away, but that could change soon.   I don’t want to fuck up one of the most amazing friendships I have, but I don’t want to pass this by either. 

 sooner or later I’ll crave PIV.  I  can feel it.  I don’t want to do that too her. 

 It may all be moot.  She may not want to risk our friendship either.

 I feel like I’m in highschool.  Shouldn’t I have figured out my sexuality by now? and the kicker is if I could completely surrender to gender deconstruction, would it matter if she had a cock or not? 

personal experience of the male libido

We all know men are only after 1 thing.  Sex. Sex. Sex.  right?  I’ve posted on the fallacy (heehee… “Phallus-y” ) of this statement before.  But recent events are bringing it to mind once more.

 the last Two guys I’ve made out with have not wanted to go all the way.   Fellow A it was a mutual sort of agreement.  Fellow B was being a damn dirty tease.  Well it’s not his fault.  People go at there own pace, and “their own pace” is even subject to change at different points of their life.  but man, when you are in that moment and don’t get satisfied…it messes with your head. 

 At least he was honest with himself and me.  As far as I know at any rate. 

 I guess I’m anxious because there are deadlines with everyone I’m meeting now.  People are travelling and moving on.  A month is not a long time so I want to make the most of every frickin’ minute.  Everything happens as it does.  once it has happened there is not changing it.  So I can choose to enjoy someone’s company with a big “maybe” hanging around but no promises.  or I can be bitter and push the situation which will make him uncomfortable and distant.  

 yeah the first option sounds better, but it is difficult to do.  Lessons in patience are definitely one’s I need to learn, so it will not be a useless endeavor.  grumble…grumble.

I don’t want laura sessions stepp in my fucking head!!!!

I’m on the other side of the world and things here are the same as everywhere (western). I am ashamed to admit the the patriarchy is messing with my head. I hooked with a guy. that’s not so bad. but It didn’t quite go as I hoped and I feel like I wasted that hook up. like I only have so many before I think I’m slutty so I better get as much satisfaction out of each as possible so I don’t have to cross over to the slutty side.

goddamnit patriarchy get out of my head.

it’s so frustrating. I want to be enlightened and believe it’s ok. I’m still happy and healthy. I’m not knocked up. So why is it a big deal?

there is no immunity. at least I recognise that I have these feelings and instead of succumbing to it I realise that it shouldn’t matter. That it is external (and unfair) societal influences/ pressures creating this feeling. Empowerment is not easy. Shedding my own misogynistic preconceptions is not over.

aaaagggghhhhh.