why male allies need patience

June 17, 2009 at 11:41 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

because LiBerAL Doods and MRAs and Nice Guys (TM) are fucking everywhere.

And I’m sick of it. I don’t want to deal with it. I’m done. its not a great situation for me. my hormones tend to prefer beards and cocks, but I just can’t deal with it anymore. I need a break. I am taking a temporary hiatus from men. not just from fucking them, from them. I don’t want to meet any new men.

If I know you already, you can stay. but I have no interest in befriending new men right now. I do not have the patience to sift through the pile of shit that wants to discuss why I’m doing feminism wrong. and tell me how they NEED to eat meat.

what brought this on? well you really mean “what is the straw that broke this camels back?”

I had a phone conversation at midnight a couple nights ago. that’s right midnight. Some guy from high school saw I was awake online and decided to call me when I was talking online to him. last week in an IM he had asked me to dinner. I said yes. why not.. my facebook is feminist and vegan and nearly gay marriage central. if he can see that about me and want to eat a meal with me, fine. but it was midnight. I was at a friends house (which he knew from the IM.), and he decided it was a good time to call. (ummm o..k..)

I shouldn’t have answered the phone. but I shouldn’t have answered the phone in the same way people shouldn’t drink too much, it doesn’t justify behavior of other people toward them and make things the drunk persons fault.

now it was two days ago and my memory doesn’t work so well when I’m annoyed and tired. so I can’t provide a transcript, but here’s the gist of it:

He started right in asking about the veganism, and telling me that I should respect his culture, because his culture is about eating off the land and that includes eating meat. BECAUSE FACTORY FARMS IN THE US ARE JUST LIKE THAT. blah blah blah, I don’t respect his culture. NEWS FLASH: I don’t respect any culture that is used as a defense of oppression. oh wait, that’s most of them.

any way. he then asked me why I care about gay marriage so much. and I told him the truth. because marriage is a patriarchal structure historically between a woman and her rapist. and that there can be no equality in marriage until it is legally recognized as a partnership between any two PEOPLE. because women should be seen as PEOPLE.

to this he responded that women should be drafted in the military too… its not fair. Feminists don’t stand up for that! but I’m all for equal pay for equal work but women should be part of the draft.

um… how about we should abolish a system that forces any person to be rounded up by the government for the purpose of being shot at.

then he keeping very calm, because maintaining the status quo doesn’t affect him so its all theoretical to him, he tells me that I’m interrupting and getting angry and i should look for ways to fight oppression that are quiet. because black people were quiet during the sit ins in the 60s. and that PROVES that being calm and quiet gets you what you want.

So I let him finish every sentence with 5 extra seconds of silence after he finished and noticed that he kept interrupting me. because MY voice is the one that isn’t important. He told me, “you sound so angry if you sounded less angry people would listen to you more.” I was trying to explain I am angry, and was about to tell him all the reasons we should ALL be angry, but he interrupted me.

after a while I decided I was tired of being interrupted. I was tired in general. It was the middle of the night, he called me, and expected me to be coquettish or something and flirty and compliant. FUCK. THAT. SHIT. I hung up on him. I don’t need to waste my cellphone minutes and my time on that shit.

he then sent an IM to me as I was still logged in, “hanging up on someone isn’t very free thinking”

The Carrie Prejeen defense (or whatever her name is). “but free speech should mean you have to listen to me and not use your words to reply!”

and how many people honestly think its ok to be racist. if you want people to accept people, you are wanting them to think in a certain way. lets be honest about that. you can recognize that you cannot FORCE someone to change they way they are thinking. You can recognize that you should not jail someone for thought or words alone, but I do want to change the way people think.

I want people to think love should be important, I want people to think murder is bad. I want people to think that animals are worthwhile living creatures who should not be raped, tortured, and killed.

when I was in college one girl was being really shitty and mean and she actually said, “but this is just part of who I am you should just accept me.” this is not what I’m about.

so yeah. moral of the story. there will be women who do not trust you if you are a male ally in the feminist fight. but we need male allies. we must all work towards a better future. so please keep organising and working. but know that right now, I can’t deal with you. I can’t educate you, and sure as hell don’t have the patience for you to tell me “yUr doin it RONG!”

Leave a Comment

PROP 8 UPHELD

May 26, 2009 at 12:01 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Discrimination upheld in the California State Constitution.

Meet at 5pm TONIGHT at 6th and Laurel near Balboa Park.

We Will March on the Hall of Justice at 6pm.

We will Rally at The Hall of Justice at 7PM

Hope to see you there.

If you are not from San Diego check out Marriage Equality USA to find an event near you

Leave a Comment

CA Supreme Court Ruling on Prop 8

May 22, 2009 at 11:12 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

The Supreme court is ruling on prop 8. The Decision is coming down on Tuesday May 26.

In San Diegot meet at 5:00 pm at 6th and Laurel on May 26th to unite for equality. For more info and info for other cities please check out:

http://www.marriageequality.org/

With Love,

NT

Leave a Comment

defining sexuality

May 13, 2009 at 12:19 am (Feminism, Sexuality, gender deconstruction, listen to your body)
Tags: , , , ,

so. I generally identify as straight. but I’m at a place where I’m attracted to my good female friend. am I bisexual? maybe. And I know that people are going to be pissed with me, but I don’t think so.

I know there is a lot of bi-phobia out there, and I’ve seen a lot of reactions from people who feel betrayed by people who have relations with people of both sexes but don’t identify as bisexual. It is not my intent to distance myself from the queer community. In fact I’d feel guilty if I identified as bi.

I have straight privilege. I know that when watching movies or whatever that people will have relationships that have the gender make up of the relationships I’ve had. I’ve never dated a woman, and I’m not really interested in most women. I know, I know, that’s like labeling all virgins as asexual. Obviously you can have sexual feelings and know who you want to date even if you haven’t dated them. but this is different. I’ve always wanted to date men, with their hairy faces and penises. It is not just a response to being programed by society and not being true to myself. (Yes I have had people argue my sexuality with me before so I’ve thought about it and had to deal with this argument). I don’t want to co opt a culture and movement with my mostly straight voice.

I would be okay with being called my-specific-best-friend-sexual. because that’s what it is. I like her specifically. not that when I date boys I don’t like them in specific, but a large range of men stimulate me and the same doesn’t happen around women.

It feels like I should have this sorted out by now. not my entire love life, but my sexual orientation identity. I don’t even like that sexual orientation should be be part of my identity. I identify with much more important things. Thing I’m super passionate about. I’m a math educator, I’m a subverter of the dominant paradigm, I’m a feminist, I’m a nudist. but that’s part of straight privilege. I’m “normal” so I don’t have to deal with my sexuality as my identity as a part of me that others me from society. if I did date a woman then society would label and identify me. I would have to respond to that, or at least live with that, unless I moved to a cave.

in the post-everything-bad world the label would be meaningless. everyone would just date who they like. And what their genitals looked like wouldn’t be a big deal. but that is not where we live. sigh.

2 Comments

wtf? my 2nd grade self seems to have whitewashed the world

May 11, 2009 at 1:54 pm (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , , , ,

I painted a rock in 2nd grade for class. We were supposed to paint self portraits. I, being the rebellious youth I was, decided to paint my whole family. so I painted just our heads.

I think I did a pretty good job, you can tell who’s who based on the shape of the head and hair. In fact my parents still have it sitting in the entry way of their home.

I picked it up and looked at it today. For the first time I realized that I painted everyone the same color. I gave everyone in my family white person skin. I’m a white person so that part makes sense. but my sister isn’t. I gave her her long black hair, but I also gave her peachy skin. were there no browns to paint with that day? what does that say about the school? If there were colors that looked more like my sister, why didn’t I choose them? for all of my nine or ten years of life I lived with her, played with her, fought with her.

I’m really confused. the only thing I remember about the actual day was that i was breaking the rules by painting 4 people on my rock instead of just myself. And I liked it! it was the first time I learned the trick about breaking the rules in a way that when you get called out on it, the person in authority looks silly. (but I did more work and I LOVE my family). So I really don’t know what was going through my head or if there were even more than one color available for skin tone.

Its just weird. one of my friends thinks I just viewed her as the same as me so I gave her my skin color. but I was aware of her being a different color. I had to fight with the other kids because they would tell me she wasn’t my sister because of that very issue. it was shoved in my face. so I’m not sure that was the answer.

Leave a Comment

slut shaming is no ok even if used on bigots

May 6, 2009 at 11:07 am (Uncategorized)
Tags: , , , , , ,

was reading this on feministing and it got me thinking about how I responded to some one who posted stuff about her nude pictures on facebook and my immediate response was:

” I think people who don’t like people to pass judgment on them shouldn’t make judgments on others based on something as superficial as whether they pose for a nude magazine. While I would never endorse the porn industry I think that telling women they are objects their whole life then shaming them when they act like one in the “wrong” way is inappropriate. there are plenty of issues with this individual, we don’t need to use slut shaming tactics to make a point.”

then someone said “I support her right to express her opinions when she is NOT representing the state of CA.”

To which I replied:

“the issue is not that she is expressing her opinions as Miss California as “our Representative,” it is that if she poses nude we can completely dismiss what she said. we can shame her and our point is more valid.

this is ridiculous reasoning. whether or not she posed nude her comments were oppressive. whether or not she made oppressive comments, slut shaming shames anyone who has ever done the activity in question not just her and is inappropriate.

these statements are true whether or not she is “miss California” and beauty pageants have NEVER represented anything other than a patriarchal prescription of what a woman should be. not cool in general. and never representative of me.”

at which point people started talking posting “but I’m not misogynist, I’m just pointing out hypocrisy.”

headdesk

Leave a Comment

this is what I don’t get

May 4, 2009 at 10:29 pm (Feminism, animal rights, human rights)
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

some excerpts from a post my friend wrote about a conversation he had:

Pointing to the flowers on my table while I was working and then pointing at my computer he stated, ‘See this and see this? They are different and should be treated different. I wouldn’t water the computer.’ ‘See this,’ he said as he went for a stack of my business cards and began laying each one side by side. ‘They are the same – not the flowers and the computer but the cards.’ ‘We can’t treat them all the same if they are different.’

I stopped working and looked at my friend. I said they are the same and they are different and that when you really get down to it they are all made up of energy and matter… it’s all the same by then. No you would not water my computer or water my cards, but they all have value. Diversity and differences don’t mean that discrimination is necessary. They must all be cared for differently, but not treated with any less respect. The flower has value because it is a flower and we can appreciate that. It is different but not less than a computer. The business cards while each is almost identical will each serve out its own unique purpose that even while I may guide – I cannot control the outcome.

now, I think he tagged me so I would read it. I think he wants me to be more patient with people who say bigoted things. I think I’m as patient as I can be. I am willing to point out to people when they are being bigoted but I don’t have the time or energy to spoon feed them the information. Then pat them on the hand and say “its ok I know its so hard to deal with privilege.. you poor poor thing.”

I need to build my own community so I can feel safe. I want to be able to relax occasionally and not have to worry that on my day off someone is going to make a joke about forcing a penis into some orfice on a woman. (or whatever the hate that day)

but what really gets me. How can someone write the above be the same person who every time we mention food has to tell me how he “needs” his “bloody steak” (or other animal flesh).

they are the same and they are different and that when you really get down to it they are all made up of energy and matter… it’s all the same by then. No you would not water my computer or water my cards, but they all have value.

…

We are all different, all of us, each of us. None of us WANT to be discriminated against, none of us want to be less than, none of us want to be beaten, abused, harassed, killed, shamed, disrespected… NONE of us… none of us. (I began to tear up and paused for a moment.) We all – ALL of us – want love, and to be loved, and respected and at the very least left alone to live our lives freely.

except for the things it IS ok to kill. it is ok to consume the products of rape and of torture and of murder. because those lives are only there for our consumption. those lives only have value to us for what we can get from them.

The flower has value because it is a flower and we can appreciate that. It is different but not less than a computer.

I have value in the male gaze as an object. I can be beautiful as a flower and be appreciated. but that is not who I am or respect how I want to be treated. as the Dude said in the Big Lebowski “he treats objects like women, man” the comparison just doesn’t work.

yes partly I’m ranting because I’m still mad about everything else. And this note feels like it is supposed to be a lesson to me. I have been patient with the liberal bullshit. but I just can’t take the bigots anymore. because to them, liberal seems to mean, “I pretend I’m joking when I say bigoted things instead of saying them out right, then claim I’m pushing the envelope.”

I don’t want to work for equality with those groups because the I don’t want a world with their type of equality. Where we are all equal but some are more equal than others. I want to build a community that is loving and kind and supportive. I want a community based on personal responsibility. based on love.

I will just build a better life
where we will never feel the need
to chop down any kind of tree
or topple over gifts wrapped up in paper
I would like to see
stockings stuffed with things I can use
tips to prevent domestic abuse
all I want for christmas are the blueprints of community

my different friend’s friend’s band wrote that. fuck yeah.

1 Comments

fighting the fight with allies, shouldn’t be like this.

May 3, 2009 at 11:35 pm (Feminism, Respect me)
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

this weekend was, well, not so fun.

I think I need to find another cause. And this sucks. I believe in equality. so I can fight that on many fronts, so its not the end of the world. The problem is I don’t have the energy to fight it on all fronts, at the same time. Especially since I don’t feel like I have a safe space now that I’m back in the states. Especially when I have to fight the fight with very little support within a group that is supposed to be a safe space.

I’ve been doing a lot of work fighting for equal marriage. (that’s same sex marriage to all of you who aren’t clued into the lingo.) I’ve been having a few doubts about my involvement.

1. I would much rather abolish the word marriage from legal documents. fundemental unit of the patriarchy and all that.
2. the debate is phrased as any “TWO” people should be able to get married. that leaves out a lot of my friends and their relationships. Polyamorous groups should not be denied hospital visitation rights because only two of the people are really married. There should be a document that says, “hey we’re family, we take care of each other and we have the rights and responsibilities of being family”
3. this document should be available regardless of the sexual or non sexual nature of the relationships. If I want my best friend as my next of kin and we look after each other as family, it shouldn’t matter that our relationship isn’t romantic in nature.

now on top of these concerns, I’m getting fed up with the sexism in the movement. let me retarget that. I’m getting fed up with sexism in the group I’m working with. oh, and the racist comments, and the biphobia, and transphobia and other remarks I probably haven’t even noticed yet. (plus everyone likes to tell me about how they like bloody steak and other products of rape, torture and murder.)

I understand people aren’t perfect. I mess up all the time. I’m still learning about how to mindfully watch my language. But I’d like to think I’m genuinely trying. This weekend was the leadership retreat, so we had a lot of time with each other. We also, largely because i had earlier brought up my concerns, had a discussion about being more mindful in our speech.

It was a very useful discussion as it helped me identify who I wanted to work with more and who I wanted to avoid. I had been trying to take everything with a grain of salt, focus on the issue at hand, all that stuff. but there are some things I can’t ignore. a member of the “team” posted a racist remark on my facebook.

I updated my status to reflect that one of my friends is looking for a home for their dog. the Nice Guy(tm) NG commented and I commented back:

NG: I was going to type something really off message. *lips sealed*
me: you get a gold star for keeping it to yourself. I’m very proud of you.
other dudely man: But now I just want to know Nice Guy(tm)’s off-color comment about dogs. :(
me: I already deleted it. I don’t allow that type of thing on any page associate with me.
NG: You’re so silly Lauren. ♥

now you can guess that there was a comment by the Nice Guy that isn’t shown in this exchange. as i deleted I don’t have the original text, but it was something like: “Plus my Vietnamese friend would be upset if I started talking about how he eats dog”

wha…?

so I deleted. I would have removed the person from being my friend, but we work together. so I had a discussion with the chapter leader. and thats how we ended up with the discussion.

this is in addition to people slut shaming, constant use of the word “bitch”, gossip about how the bi-guy is really gay, (”I mean really.. he’s just sooo effeminate”). wha? in a group that is fighting for “equality”?

in the course of the discussion the racist Facebook comment was brought up by the Nice Guy(tm). he doesn’t get how it’s racist. “I mean, my friend really does eat dog, it’s a true statment!”

wha?

I start getting really upset. he feels upset and “victimized” because I didn’t explain it to him at the time. He doesn’t get it. It is obvious that I should spoon feed him the information. and he’s studied sociology, so he knows about this stuff.

I mean, come on. I call bull shit on that. actually bull shit can be useful as fertilizer, I call carnivore shit on that. because their poo is that much more gross and full of disease. (I love kitties, but they have super icky poo) The point is, if he truly believed it wasn’t “that” offensive, why did he self screen at first. why not just make the statement if its not racist?

so that was awkward for everyone who witnessed our heated argument.

The next morning at breakfast everyone was talking about how if we make everything PC then we can’t do anything, because everything is offensive to someone. the thing for me is, who are we offending. am i offending someone I am at odds with? am I offending the Mormons? because generally my existence offends a lot of people. and trying to not be hurtful to oppressed groups when our individual privilege gets in our way of being compassionate, is different from the “moral Majority” being offended that women want equal pay. (or whatever).

the burden should be taken up by the privileged. This is our way of dealing with our own biases and recognizing ways to improve ourselves as human beings. so the breakfast group completely diminished the impact of the discussion the previous night.

The leadership team is mostly gay men. there is one bi guy, me, another straight girl and a bi girl. could it be at all possible we’d have more women if there were fewer sexist jokes? maybe?

the moment that takes the cake. we go the the park, someone’s boyfriend meets up with us. He has volunteered and as the bf of one of the leaders so he is tagging along on the leadership retreat. At the park he decides to share a joke that someone sent him:

“a man is getting into bed with his wife, she says ‘I have a headacke’ he says, ‘perfect, i’ve just been powdering my penis with asprin, you can take it orally or anally”

what progress. I call him out on it. he tries to backtrack and apologize, “i’m not really sexist”, and “all my female friends thought was funny” because a man talking about forcing his penis in a woman’s mouth or anus
must be hilarious. wtf? yeah.

I get up and go for a walk and call a friend. I need to get away from this person. eventually I come back. I’m tired and I left half my stuff at the house where we are having the “retreat” I end up sleeping there a while, then meeting up with a friend. she lets me know, there are lots of causes, maybe there’s another way to be involved in the issue that is not with this group. those are probably true statements

I have brought in so many volunteers, I have raised so much money for this group. at least I know the money goes back into the community. I do think they use money well as an org. I think that the type of work being done is useful. but I’m too tired to fight all these fights at once.

Leave a Comment

I couldn’t say it better myself

April 19, 2009 at 11:48 pm (Uncategorized)

I mean that literally, hence I am publishing a link.

favorite part:

If we’re saying that marriage is a civil contract when we say we want it open to everyone, then we’re saying we want the latter, not a gendered relationship where one person provides and the other person obeys. (Although I have to say… kinky! Just have a safe word before trying it out.)

I will probably end up in a relationship with a man. but this individual is describing exactly what I would want if I decided to have a monogamous long term relationship with another individual.

Leave a Comment

I don’t hate “blank” people but….

April 6, 2009 at 10:31 am (Feminism, Sexuality)
Tags: , , , ,

I don’t know how to react to people who make the above statement sometimes. Especially if they are not people who are easy to avoid. Especially if they are people who have loved my my whole life and taken care of me, and who I love and who I have fun with, or have things in common with.

My mom, who is liberal and supports me in my work for marriage equality, said something the other day that I don’t know how to deal with.

She warned me recently, and not for the first time, not to date bisexual men because they are promiscuous and could give me AIDS.

Wha..????

because men who sleep with men, do it all the time and do it without protection. I hang around the queer community. It is a place where I can be myself and accepted as a nudist, as a feminist, as a vegan. This community has been a safe space for me too. so I have know quite a few people who don’t identify as straight. both male and female, either born or chosen. Let me tell you… views towards sex vary. It depends a lot on the individual. Safe sex is important to most of the people I hang out with because that is a value I have and I like to hang out with people who have similar values. so even the people who have sex all the time that i know are being safe about it.

This came up when I showed her a picture of a guy I thought was cute, and she thought he was gay. I said well he identifies as bi, so I’ve got a chance… The first comment was actually “that usually means he’s gay in the long run..”

I gave her a blank look.

then she gave me her warning.

I used to talk to my mom about cute guys all the time. We have a history of checking out guys while people watching at restaurants and such. so that I would share with her when I like a guy is not something new.. but it may be something I keep to myself in the future.

We should respect peoples choices and how they choose to identify. that doesn’t seem like a difficult idea to grasp. we should also hold our judgments off until we actually meet people. and not base our judgements on things as superficial as sexual identity. (or race, ethnicity, gender, gender identity, the cloths they wear, country of origin etc… etc…)

I know we are all products of our culture, and that it is hard to escape the ramifications of that.. but it’s difficult when its some one so close to you.

Leave a Comment

« Previous entries Next Page » Next Page »